Musings on Luck

Recently I received a few bits of good news and while they certainly make me happy in the moment, I can't help but think, 'What is going to ruin it? What bad thing is going to happen?" I feel like good things just don't happen to me.

Prior to high school, I was a fairly lucky person. I excelled at everything I did, from sports to academics to fashion and beauty, with a superiority complex to match. For one reason or another, shit hit the fan when I was high school aged and other than academics (I ended up being valedictorian and went on to get a degree from an Ivy League university), I have been down on my luck and by the time I got to college my ego and self esteem were deflated. If there's a one percent chance of something going wrong, I'm the person that it happens to. I always plan for the worst case scenario, because that is what is most likely to happen in my life. I have learned to never believe in good news until everything is finalized and there is absolutely zero chance for change. I constantly repeat 'don't count your chickens before they hatch' to myself when good fortune is on the horizon, because whenever I get excited about something, it is inevitably ruined somehow.

Is it good for me to be waiting for the negative? Should I allow myself to feel joy that is building up, regardless of what may come next? Or is it good that I expect the worse so I am not surprised by anything and don't allow my ego to inflate again? These questions raced through my head today, with no real answers making their way out of the fog.

Do you ever find yourself experiencing the same feelings? Are you a pessimist/unlucky person or an optimist/lucky person?

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